starting to feel better and I felt like writing. I’ve been so sick today it’s frustrating, I knew I was getting sick but after smoking a lot last night today I’ve been getting increasingly worse. but after two Nurifen and two cold and flu tablets I’m feeling a lot better. except my ears, ouch. I’ve never been so sick that my ears hurt but today they’ve been blocked and hurting. I’ve been dizzy and restless. ugh. glad to be home in bed, reading (50 shades of grey, how ridiculous). i love an excuse to stay home and do nothing (how sad) but I was actually really looking forward to doing something tonight, mainly to see carly(loveloveloveee) but everyone else too. I’ve been so happy lately and it makes me feel like being more social. but I don’t tolerate many people well, wellllll not tolerate but I guess I feel out of place around a lot of people, A LOT. I’ve grown up so much in terms of who I want to spend time with, social status and things of that sort use to play a role in who I wanted to hang out with (or be seen with) but now I’m realizing the few people I really value my time with and try to spend the majority of mine with them. but I love spending time by myself the most I think. a lot of people are good in theory but often disappointing when your actually with them. I’m also growing very bored of smoking weed. which is frustrating because I still constantly want to be high, but I’m not getting the satisfaction out of it when I am. being high is something I enjoy most when I’m alone too, sort of. some people it’s a very fun cheeky experience with but I guess I don’t see those people much anymore. it’s quite a bittersweet feeling to look back at all the people I miss, so many people. so many people I miss that now only exist in my memories. but people change and I’ve come to terms with the fact that it’s something I just have to accept. I myself am changing every day. it’s sad to think of people changing, it’s like the old them is a different person who moved away but because they didn’t and they are still here it’s not something you can mourn the loss of. I don’t knowww. but it’s comforting sort of, like. when there are so many things I want to say to someone, then I realize they are a different person now. so there not the person I want to say these things to because that person no longer exist. that thought stops me from saying a lot of silly things to people who don’t deserve to hear them. people are so strange. you think you know someone and then when you find out you’ve been mislead and what you know of this person isn’t actually how they are, the person you thought they were still exists in your mind, but only in your mind. ah if I could live with all the creatures in my mind (actually it would probably be a very bizarre place up there). I’m starting to love my mind, use my brain more, not as in getting smarter but just recognizing what I can do with my brain and all the fun things I can do in my own head, I can use my own imagination as I kind of escape, I can have lovely conversations with myself to analyze situations and make decisions. I can control what I do and don’t care about. how I feel and want to feel about certain things, I probably sound mad, but I am a little mad (another thing I’ve just had to accept) its part of me, I could keep writing and writing to no one but I’ll stop at the off chance maybe someone is reading this and I don’t want to bore them any longer.
oh my the online shopping I’m going to do when I start getting paid, twooooo vweeekksssaa!
plus I told mum I want a tattoo and she was pretty meh, just need to pay for it myself. I lub jannn
i have been avoiding my own thoughts all day. but i guess i need to get it out once. i fucking hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself. i hate myself. i fuck everything up with no exaggeration. i am shit. i am pure fucking shit. i want to die. i will never kill myself im too much of a pussy. there is nothing i can do to make my life anything other than shit because i am fucking shit. i can not run away from myself. i am my biggest problem. i am nothing good. i am shit just pure fucking shit. i have nothing to offer but shittness. and im ugly no i am hideous. inside and out. i am the worst kind of person and i will always be alone. the only good i could ever produce would be never talking to anyone ever again or doing anything. i have no one. the people i have i am a burden on i always have been and always will be a fucking burden. i am a hypocrite. i am everything i hate. i turn everything i touch into shit. i just want to curl up in a ball and die. i deserve the worst. and i get the worst by having to live every day as myself. i am nothing. i am scum. i am miserable in my skin.
i hate sooking about wanting a boyfriend, but i just want someone to be that close with.
i dont need liikekee a boyffieee boyf just something continuous with someone lovely. someone i can smoke weed and cuddle with, be comfortable to have amazing sex with, someone who gets my sense of humour and doesnt just think im a freak, or at least likes that im different. hermmm. im really set on losing weight though so hopefully if i get skinny ill be good enough for someone to look at me and say ‘hey i want that girl to be mine’
i often get sad and frustrated at the same time. i think its because not so much that im ‘not good enough’ but the fact that i just cant figure out why. what is it about me that doesnt make the cut? or what do i lack to have someone want me. why can so many others hold hands with happiness while i idly by? i dont think ill ever know but i need to stop wasting time trying to figure it out.
everyones loving or hurting and i just wanna feeel somethinggg.
just went for a skate and a sneaky hill creeped up on me and im only just learning to skate so like, ive never been down a real hill and i didnt know what to do cuz i started going real fast and the bottom was coming up and i had to turn left or right but i left it to long and flew off got a face full of frass and grazed myself right up :(
i went from out every weekend to anti social fuck.
never any texts anymore, no one ever wants to play and i sit at home every day unless my room mate is free. weeooowwwwww
this is boy is perfect. fuck. dont live far away. fucccckkskksjalkfg dont make me like youuuu :(